Alone with my thoughts…

It took me forever to decide if I wanted to attempt Strawberry Singh’s blog challenge for this week, The Haunted Meme. She asks us what haunts us, what are our fears, and the problem isn’t that I can’t think of what to write, it’s trying to decide just what fear to go with…

I ended up rambling a bit about this on my Tumblr first, because it’s always been a good place for me to vent about thoughts and feelings, and sometimes doing that puts my thoughts a bit more in focus. And in common with a lot of bloggers there (judging from the amount of posts I see) one of my biggest fears is this: I am always afraid of what people think of me, I’m one of those people who is convinced everyone thinks I am annoying, or dull, or just unlikeable. I’ll sometimes avoid social gatherings that I wish I could attend because I’m so afraid of being judged badly and rejected that I just can’t bring myself to go. Far too often I sit on the sidelines, wishing I could take part in something but so paralyzed by fear of what will happen that I won’t even consider making an attempt to join in. The worst thing about this is I see other people express the same sentiments, the same fear that no one really enjoys their company, and it always makes me sad to see my friends feel bad about themselves because they all have something fun and interesting to share with the world. I realize it must be the same when my friends listen to me share how I feel about myself, but sometimes it’s easy to give advice and insight and nearly impossible to believe it could be true in our own case too.

I always envy the people, both in SL and RL, who are effortless chatters, who can approach a new situation with some degree of confidence (or at least enough confidence that they actually will approach a new situation, not scream and run the other way.)  This is the one fear that I am working the hardest to try to overcome. In a lot of ways I am doing better, the blogging has definitely helped me release my thoughts, and I’m putting myself out there a little more, but it’s not easy. So I carry on and if I get too wound up with anxiety I go for my little happiness therapies, I try to meditate and ground myself, or I put on my favorite music and let it carry me away until I can move myself back into a calmer place.

But still, I’m just a bit afraid that I’ll always be afraid.

photo at Alirium

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