I still had a number of photos hanging around that I was going to blog around Halloween, or throughout November. A lot of them had a dark, foggy theme, with attempts at dramatic clouds, moody windlights, and a haunted feel. Too many had my av standing alone in a misty, faded landscape, looking sort of lost. That is far too close to how I feel now: alone in the fog, completely lost. There is an emptiness when I look at them, knowing I can’t turn to my hub and say “Look! What do you think of these?” and he’d give me feedback, or tell me to post it on Flickr. Sometimes he’d tell me that he showed my Flickr to people when he wanted to introduce them to Second Life, and he’d talk about how creative SL was, and how much we both enjoyed it, and how he thought I was such a good photographer, and to keep taking pictures.
I still want to share photos, and right now I need something to do to keep me busy. I am the first to admit that a lot of this is because I am just not ready to deal with the mundane practicalities that follow the death of a spouse. I have always procrastinated, but it’s worse now. I don’t want to clean the house, I don’t want to move his things. I still want to stay in a little bubble and try to avoid letting fear and anxiety about the future set me off on a panic attack. I want to pretend he’s at work and he just had to stay late. I know it’s not true, but I need my delusions for a little while.
Even though I am having a really hard time thinking of going in world without falling apart I am keeping up with reading the blogs. Partially escapism, I’m sure, but it helps keep my mind occupied. and one of the things I always have looked forward to is the Monday Meme, even if it turns out to be one I don’t try to participate in. I actually had to smile just a little at the meme from last week, not because my own av looks like any famous person in particular (she was always based on an idealized, 20 years younger me) but because I had spent a lot of time trying to actually make an alt into a celeb lookalike and I was actually pretty proud of how he turned out. But I wasn’t up to blogging last week, and wasn’t sure if I’d want to tackle SL memes for a while, if I’m not even logging in.
In the midst of this I’ve actually been blogging/journaling my butt off, though. I find myself wanting to share volumes of stuff with friends on a forum, in a blog I set up specifically to work through things, and on Facebook. And Twitter, as well. I think I’ve used it more in the past eleven days just to release thoughts and try to cope than I’d done in the past year. Writing helps me, whether I’m sharing stories about my husband or just trying to write to keep my mind occupied. My last two posts were about how my husband really was the best part of my Second Life. Really it always felt like it was our Second Life, not just mine, or his.
The Best and Worst Meme today prompted me to write again. I’ve been lucky to have an SL that was always filled with best things instead of drama, so thinking on the best parts has made me smile, even if SL feels a little bittersweet right now.
Meme Instructions: Copy and paste the questions and answers below, delete my answers and input your own. The twist is, the final question you need to change and make up your own best & worst that you want to share. Don’t forget to leave a link to your post in the comments (at the original post).
- Best thing about Second Life: Creativity. Being able to create things, almost anything you can think of, and being able to explore what other people have created. And of course community and friends. I don’t have a large friends list, but some of the friends we met in Second Life have become incredibly important to me in RL as well, and I’ve really felt their support for the past week, even though they aren’t physically right here in town with me.
Worst thing about Second Life: Have to agree with Strawberry. The reputation can be really unfortunate.
- Best thing in your inventory: My own creations. Anything I spent time trying to build all on my own, no matter how bad it turned out.
Worst thing in your inventory: The worst is probably all the clutter. Duplicate items, landmarks to places that don’t exist, group notice notecard build up.
- Best earliest SL memory: When we bought our first parcel and started putting our house together. It was a mixture of library textures, freebies from Help Island or Yadni’s Junkyard, homemade furniture and a heavily redone inventory cottage. It was the most wonderful thing ever.
Worst earliest SL memory: Before I got the hang of the camera controls I could sometimes give myself motion sickness when I was trying to swoop around and zoom in on stuff (actually now and then this still happens, especially if I’m using the space navigator mouse)
- Best thing you learned because of SL: I think trying to do SL landscape photography inspired me to try more RL photography.
Worst thing you learned because of SL: I really can’t think of anything.
- Best thing about blogging: Sharing stuff I’ve seen. I don’t really have regular readers, just maybe the handful that liked the FB page for this blog or marked it on a feed, so I really still just think of this as more of a journal for me to share feelings and thoughts that I’m comfortable putting out into the public, or something I saw that I thought was fun. Sometimes if someone does read it, if they see something interesting and want to visit a new place, or leave a kind comment, or maybe just read a post and smile to themselves before they go on to the next blog, that’s the best thing.
Worst thing about blogging: Thinking of titles for posts. I hate titles. I can never think of a good title. Also, the constant fear that my blog is a waste of time and nobody cares but me. But on the other hand, sometimes it is just for me, which then goes back to it being the best thing about a blog.
- For my own best/worst I’m going to rephrase the first question as, The best thing about my own time in SL: I was able to share the past six+ years exploring this amazing place with my husband. The worst, that’s probably obvious.
Actually I’ll add an extra best/worst for the last question,
The best thing about blogging, social media, and/or Second Life: I have met or gotten back in touch with some of the most wonderful people I could know. It seems to be popular to bash social media, Facebook in particular, but I have to say, without it this past week would have been even lonelier and harder to bear. Even though I’ve never had a chance to meet some of my friends in person, every single message they sent was uplifting and felt like a hug.
The worst part: I can’t reach through the monitor and hug them back.