It’s been rainy today. It seems fitting, because it’s been a melancholy day so far. Ten years ago on this day I was on my first date with my late husband. We’d talked online for a couple of weeks, but it was the first time we’d met in person, at a bookstore coffee shop. Every year we marked that day, either by going back to the bookstore, or stopping off for burritos at the site of our first dinner.

I’ve been going in world quite often in the past few weeks, I’m not sure why but I’ve felt a need to rejoin Second Life after keeping it at arms length for so long. For much of that time when I did log in I did so as an alt, wanting to distance myself a bit. Ravensong was tied so closely to NaturesZen, my husband’s av, that seeing her in world without him around was actually depressing and stressful. It was like going to our favorite places in real life alone. It just wasn’t the same, I missed having him with me.

Lately I’ve been logging in with Raven again and rediscovering my bond with her. I’m trying to be more social. I’ve been feeling driven to start taking pics again and remembering how much fun it is. I’ve also been logging in one of my hub’s alts simultaneously, I’m not sure why but just having his alt online is comforting. Maybe it makes me feel that my husband is still with me, even though his alt looks nothing like either my hub or his main. Maybe it’s just that with that other avatar there I can enjoy the illusion that I’m a little less alone in virtual space.

I was laughing with one of my friends the other day that I feel like I’m up to something because I’ve stolen my alt’s partner so I can enjoy cute cuddle poses. I have no idea if this is just a random distraction as I move through the second year of grieving, or if it’s helping in some way. I know there must be many, many people who’ve gone through similar things as me… other SLers who lost a partner who they shared both their real and virtual lives with. I often wonder what their journey is like, how they view the world now, how they move forward.

For now I think I’ll just go out for my first date anniversary burrito.

Contemplating this whilst visiting Leka.